cultivating me

the big FIVE-O

well here i am at my 50th post and it seems like i crawled my way to this point. i know lots of people post “100 things about me” for the hundredth but i have not seen anything for a fiftieth….so i thought that i would write a bit about why i am blogging in the first place…..it’ll be good for me since on most days i am not quite sure myself!!

i have always kept a journal. it has always been a good way to acknowledge and sort out my feelings. i have a very special talent for banishing my emotions to oblivion only to find that they come back and ambush me at full force whenever i don’t expect it. not the best way to go through life especially when your own children are the casualties. ask them, they will tell you point blank how i used to yell at them all the time. i am in no way proud of that behavior but proud that i have found a way to apologize for it and make a change. i still get frustrated with them but i no longer dump on them because of bottled up emotions that have nothing to do with them.

so if i have a journal than why this? well, before i started a blog i lurked around cyber space reading what other sisters, moms, daughters, friends, and women had to say and what i found was a source of comfort and support. i call it my cheap therapy. it helps to know you aren’t alone. i thought if i was lurking around taking such wonderfulness from others, perhaps i should try to give back. i, in no way, feel like i have talent such that i have seen from others nor do i try to fit into one genre or another. good or bad, perhaps there is another someone out there who might benefit from daily-ness of being me.

as i started posting, i realized that writing in this form was such a good reminder to pay attention to the things that i usually forget to remember. in a way, i get to be my own therapist when i take a peak at what i have written. i still keep a journal. there are some things in my life that i still deem to personal for public knowledge but the rest of it is here.

my biggest challenge has not been to censor myself beyond the “do i really want any joe smoe to know this?” my sweetie and a few others in my life stop by here now and then. every so often i catch myself wondering what they might think about what i have to say and it makes me a bit shy. that’s when i realize that blogging also helps remind me to share more of myself with those i love. maybe this blog is a little window into my world and that just might help build better relationships with those i love.

hopefully that will continue as i formally announce and share my blog with some who, i think, have no idea that i have been doing this. i am in the process of importing this blog into my website. it was a gift from my love and i think it is so cool. it is still in it’s infancy and so am i in terms of learning how to manage it, but if you want to check it out, please do.

thanks for stopping by
~jenn

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