still learning to let go
Yesterday, I put all three of my children on a plane to Michigan - without me. They will spend the weekend there visiting my brother, taking a tour of the University of Michigan campus and attending a U of M football game. They were so excited in this last week as the day of their trip approached. Me? Not so much…I was a nervous wreck. It was strange because I arranged the trip and was the one who decided they could travel without me. It is such a great opportunity for them to see their uncle, travel and get to see a college campus - how could I not let them go? However, when the reality of the situation set in, I really freaked out. I was not exactly ready to let them go so far with out me.
In some ways, it was sort of silly. They had a direct flight. I would be able to escort them through security and to the gate where an airline employee would take them on the plane. When they landed in Detroit, my brother would be given a pass to meet them at the gate as soon as they departed the plane. And yet, even with all of that, I still couldn’t help but be full of fear. My mind plays the ‘What if?’ game way too often and way too well.
Yesterday morning I was so nervous, I felt physically ill. At the airport, I was literally shaking with my anxiety and trying the whole time not to let it show as much as possible. I didn’t want the kids to begin worrying. It was so hard to let them go. To know that they would be out of reach for 5 hours and that whole time I would be wondering wondering if they would make it okay. I handed them off to the airline employee and the tears immediately started. Jerry comforted me and reminded me they would be okay and I knew he was right but still, in that moment, it was hard - really really hard - to let them go. It such a metaphor for life here at home - I get that.
My kids are growing up. Every day. They are old enough to do things on their own. And I am happy they are responsible and can take comfort in knowing they will look out for themselves and for each other. But at times, I just want to hold them close and shield them from the ugliness I know this world holds. At times, I will always hold my breath until I get the call letting me know they are okay.
Yesterday was hard. Yesterday was scary. Yesterday was a big step for me. Yesterday I let go - not completely - but enough. Yesterday I learned I could do something I thought would be impossible for me. Yesterday my kids got the opportunity to show their responsibilty and their ability to take care of each other. Yesterday was an important lesson..for all of us…and I am grateful for it.
Awww man…I just managed to (mostly!) get over sending my older girl to preschool 4 mornings a week! I didn’t really want to think about all these other steps I still have ahead of me. Wah!